Why it's important to understand the need to feel safe for children with heightened emotional dysregulation
There is an emerging wave of neuroscientists who are highlighting the understanding of children's behaviour and the importance of understanding the interconnection between the 'body' and the 'brain'.
Insights from Dr. Mona Delahooke
Dr. Mona Delahooke shines a beam of positive light in her book, "Brain-Body Parenting," in helping parents understand what is happening when children have a tantrum or become emotionally dysregulated and ways in which to address it.
The Key Clinic's 'bottom-up' approach
This is synonymous with The Key Clinic's 'bottom-up' approach to identifying the root causes behind children's difficulties with emotional regulation and behaviors, as we know behavioral issues are not 'consciously driven' but a nervous system response to not feeling safe (neuroception). The body's autonomic nervous system, sensing a 'threat', is suddenly in the fight/flight sympathetic nervous system mode, which creates an inability for the child to keep calm and 'respond' accordingly, to the wishes of the parent.
Beyond outdated behaviour modification
Dr. Delahooke explains that instead of judging an approach based on what could be seen as "outdated behavior modification", we should focus on supporting to help children feel safe in their nervous systems. She writes, "Withdrawing contact when a child doesn’t meet expectations, is curious, or even testing limits is using shame and rejection, rather than teaching through age-appropriate and loving limits, boundaries, and guidance."
Polyvagal theory and sensory systems
She, like so many therapists and scientists, draws a deep understanding of how humans interact with the world through Dr. Stephen Porges' 'Polyvagal Theory' -and how we experience the world through our interaction with our sensory systems. For many who have heightened sensitivities, which so many children we see at the clinic do, their systems have to process more information- ('interoception').
Autonomic nervous system imbalances
We understand at The Key Clinic, there are many reasons why a child's or adult's autonomic nervous system is out of balance or is shut down in freeze mode, held in the dorsal vagal range through chronic trauma response and the inability to release the cell danger response - being held in 'fight/flight.'
Biochemical imbalances and sensory sensitivities
There are certain biochemical imbalances we work with at the clinic which result in the stress response being more easily activated which can result in more severe and excessive tantrums/meltdowns. Additionally, if a child or adult has a retained Moro reflex, it activates the fight/flight response, enhanced further by auditory anomalies, for example, heightened auditory hypersensitivity.
The key to managing emotional dysregulation
All of these factors can lead to an overwhelm and a sense of 'not feeling safe', and this, Dr. Delahooke explains, is the key- so when a child becomes emotionally dysregulated - as a parent, practitioner, or teacher, she guides us to consider how we can 'co-regulate' with them, that is, compassionately try to help them feel safe.
The significance of tantrums and meltdowns
It is good to explore these potential root causes and support these whilst at the same time having compassion for the fact that children do require our help to regulate themselves, whether they have an imbalance or not. Whilst understanding of course that when a child has a tantrum/meltdown with you (the parents), it means they feel safe enough to show their true feelings with you, which is a good thing. When these happen at home/with parents but NOT at school, this is a sign that they feel safe enough to be themselves with you.
Co-regulation during emotional outbursts
During a tantrum/meltdown, our co-regulation job as parents is to be a safe container for all that emotional outpouring, without absorbing that energy ourselves (being present, allowing, and empathising, but not absorbing).
Challenging conventional parenting methods
Much of conventional parenting methods and education teaches us to suppress our children’s emotional outbursts, however, this is a child’s natural and healthy way of moving negative emotions and energy effectively and efficiently out of the body.
Dr. Delahooke's tips for supporting highly sensitive children
Here are some of Dr. Delahooke's tips, who personally understands that as a child, her anxiety was not coming from her thoughts but was driven from her physical body, and she stresses the need for us all to talk to our children about the 'body-brain connection.'
Some tips to help highly sensitive children:
Respect the child’s natural responses. Avoid pushing them to do or say things they aren’t ready to do or say (e.g., answering unfamiliar adults who ask them their name or a question).
Try not to avoid challenging situations, but use co-regulation and share your calmness to help compassionately stretch the child’s challenge zone, for example, when you see your child struggling with a situation, try to join in their world and start a conversation about it, by normalising the range of reactions. (“I thought that was a loud movie theatre. I’m glad we’re out now—what was that like for you?”
Have compassion for yourself if watching your child struggle makes you feel anxious. Remember, your child may share some of your own tendencies—and will have years to work through learning to feel safer as they develop.
By exploring behavioural issues in a holistic, multidisciplinary approach at The Key Clinic, we often see, in time, a shift from fear to feeling safe within the world.
If you or your child are experiencing emotional dysregulation or know someone who is, you can give our friendly team a call on 01635 761565 to discuss your situation and the options available to you.